The Space Between Knowing and Becoming | PDK Educational Consulting

I am writing this on my way home from time with Montessori trainers, the people who prepare the adults who prepare environments for children. I was invited to share some thoughts on observation and change. I came to share my experiences as a psychologist and a Montessori guide. The question I brought with me:

Why does a practice we believe in so deeply so often fade once training ends?

Here is what I have concluded thus far: the practice does not fade because we stop believing in it. Most of us know more than we practice. What we often miss is an understanding of how change actually happens, and how essential change is to our evolving work and to our own becoming.

Think of the last workshop that truly moved you. You left with new language, new conviction and a page of notes. Then a hard morning arrived, and you reached for the response you have always reached for. Did you forget what you learned? No. You knew it. It simply had not yet become yours.

That space, between knowing something and living it, is where most of the real work of supporting children happens. It is also the space we talk about least. It is what I most wanted to talk about with the trainers, and it is what I want to share with you here.

Three Kinds of Knowing

When we talk about growth in our practice, we often blur three different things.

Awareness is knowing that something matters. Observation matters. Regulation is learned in relationship. Behavior is communication.

Knowledge is knowing how. What to look for, what to say, what to change in the environment.

Internalization is when the practice becomes part of who you are. You no longer have to remember to do it. You simply see the child differently.

There is a resting place between awareness and internalization, and most of us know it well. Motivation researchers Richard Ryan and Edward Deci call it introjection: the "I should." I should observe more. I should stay calm. I should get down to the child's level. Belief held as obligation is fragile. It holds on good days and gives way when met with a challenge or resistance.

The work is the movement from "I should" to "This is who I am."

Being, Becoming, Belonging

With the trainers, I described this movement as a developmental arc with three phases. Each one feels different, and each one needs something different to nurture and grow.

Phase	What it feels like	What helps
Being: belief	Inspiration and conviction. A new sense of yourself that is authentic but still fragile.	Naming, early, that a stall is coming, so it is expected rather than taken as failure.
Becoming: building knowledge and ability	Effortful and mechanical. Competing demands. Doubt.	Small, concrete practice tied to the real day, with early wins you can see.
Belonging: identity	The practice is affirmed by others and starts to feel like who you are.	Colleagues, reflection and leaders who value the practice.

Becoming is where the gap lives. William Bridges called this stretch of any transition the neutral zone. The old way is loosening, and the new way is not yet automatic. It is uncomfortable, and it is necessary. It is also where many of us quietly give up, because we read the discomfort as proof that we are not good at this.

This arc is not a straight line, and we do not walk it only once. A new classroom, a new role, a child who challenges everything we thought we understood, a season of loss or fatigue: any of these can return us to Becoming, and sometimes to Being. Even practices we have long held as our own get tested again.

Returning is part of growth. Each time we come back around, we bring what we learned the last time. The question is never whether we will find ourselves in the middle again. It is how we will meet ourselves when we do.

Why the Gap is Predictable, Not Personal

Change research offers a helpful map here. Jeff Hiatt's ADKAR model names five things a person needs, in order, for a change to take hold: Awareness of why it matters, Desire to take part, Knowledge of how, Ability to do it in real conditions, and Reinforcement that sustains it.

Most trainings, conferences and books offer the first two. We leave these experiences aware and wanting. This was one of the first things I named with the trainers: training does this part well. The gap usually opens at Knowledge, Ability or Reinforcement.

The model adds one more useful idea: the barrier point. It is the first of the five a person does not yet have. Because each step on the arc builds in order, everything after it stalls too.

The Material is Not the Education

One image I offered the trainers came straight from their own training environments. There is a Montessori material called the Pink Tower: ten pink cubes, each a little smaller than the last. It is essential, precise and carefully presented. And we would never say the Pink Tower is Montessori education. The education happens in the relationship between the child, the material and the adult.

Our tools for supporting children work the same way. Observation forms, carefully prepared materials, meticulously planned lessons, your albums. They matter. We cannot see what we do not know to look for, and we cannot sustain what we have never practiced.

But tools build knowledge and ability. Relationships build being.

A tool held without relationship slowly becomes compliance. The form gets filled out, and the child is not met. That is not a failure of the tool. It is what happens when we ask a tool to carry something only relationship can carry.

How we Approach Change

If change moves through phases, then support has to match the phase. Here is what that looks like in practice.

While you are in Being, expect the stall. Inspiration is real, and it is not enough. Knowing that the middle will feel awkward lets you meet it as part of the process instead of as evidence against yourself.

While you are in Becoming, start small and close to home. Begin with the environment before the child: your routines, transitions, the language you use and your own presence in the room. These are easier to see, and changing them brings early, visible wins. Wins like these build confidence that you can do this. Tie the new practice to something that already happens every day. Habits take weeks to months to form, not a set number of days, so give yourself that time.

Listen for your barrier point. "I'm not sure what to look for" is a knowledge barrier, and it needs a clear, concrete focus. "There's no time" usually needs a simpler routine, not more motivation.

While you are moving toward Belonging, practice alongside others. Observe with a colleague and talk about what each of you saw. Share stories of what children have shown you. When leaders and peers value the practice, it stops being something you do and starts being who you are. Relatedness is one of the strongest drivers of internalization we know.

The Same Arc Lives in the Children We Serve

We already know children do not change because someone told them what to do. They need a prepared environment, repetition, time and an adult who believes in what is possible for them. We would never shame a child for still being in the middle of learning something.

Can we offer ourselves the same patience? The adults who support children are developing too. Our growth deserves the same strengths-based lens we bring to the children in our care.

I came home thinking about my own practice, too. After more than 25 years in this work, there are still things I know and am not yet living. I find that more hopeful than discouraging. It reminds me that the adults are always becoming, right alongside the children.

Questions to Carry With You

What do you know that you are not yet living?
Where is your barrier point right now?
Who is practicing alongside you?

The space between knowing and becoming is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is where the work is. And none of us has to cross it alone.

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